GO AHEAD & LAUGH
Why Having a Laugh is So Important By:Duncan Kelly
We all know the importance of exercise to get our circulation going, strengthen our muscles and keep us mentally sharp, but what about the internal aerobics we should be doing, called laughter?
Laughing exercises all sorts of internal muscles and organs that nothing else reaches in quite the same way. The saying that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" is actually very true. Laughing reduces stress and helps us to feel better, and the heartier the laughing the better. There are even clinics that specialise in laugh therapy - one was featured on the evening news just the other night. Although the people look a little ridiculous, the idea is a good one.
Although laughing when depressed is very difficult, it's not impossible. However, an external trigger is required, so it's a good idea to watch a comedy show, read jokes or something else funny to get you to break into a laugh. This won't, of course, immediately clear your depression, but it does give you a period during which you can "forget" all your problems, giving the mind a little time gap in which to gather strength and resources to fight the depression.
When stressed at work and faced with lots of challenges and obstacles, it often helps to look at the funny side of dire situations, and have a laugh about it. This aids in shifting your perspective to give you a wider understanding of the problem, as often people get "tunnel vision" when crowded by problems.
When looking for humor to cheer you up, it is best to stick to clean humor, as the other kind just tends to remind you of various problems. This type of clean humor can be quite hard to find, as comedians tend to go below the belt to try and get cheap laughs. But it is the clever joke that can really get you laughing from the belly. And it's even better if nobody "get's hurt" by the humor. Humor doesn't have to be cruel to be funny. It's a lot harder to make up these jokes, and they are therefore harder to find, but they're out there.
If you can't find any jokes, go to the mirror and try to look as serious as you can. The look on your own face is usually enough to get one laughing!
Another good idea is to hang around other people that laugh a lot. I used to have an uncle that loved to laugh, and it always cheered me up to be around him, and I actually felt better for being in his company.
So try and have a good laugh! Let it bubble up and wobble your whole inside around. It's good for you!!
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LAUGHING BACK TO HEALTH
Health benefits of laughter
• Increases feel-good endorphins and reduces cortisol and other stress hormones.
• May help prevent heart disease.
• Improves lung capacity and oxygen levels.
• Strengthens the immune system.
• Can lower blood pressure.
• Can improve your relationship when done with a spouse.
• Helps children tolerate pain for longer periods of time.
Sources: Lee Berk, Doris Bazzini, Dr. William Fry, Dr. Michael Miller, Dr. Margaret Stuber, Dr. Otto Warburg
Many people have heard how the late Saturday Review editor Norman Cousins laughed himself back to health from a debilitating spinal disease by watching funny movies. Since Cousins' book "Anatomy of an Illness" was published in 1979, many others have documented the benefits of humor and laughter.
Michael Miller, a cardiologist at the University of Maryland Medical Center, found that people with healthy hearts were more likely to use humor and laughter than people with heart disease.
In another study, Miller found that people who watched funny movies like "There's Something About Mary" had increased blood flow to the heart compared with those who watched sad movies like "Saving Private Ryan."
Lee Berk, who has a doctorate in public health, and his team of researchers at Loma Linda University in California found that the anticipation of "mirthful laughter" increased hormones that alleviate depression and enhance immunity. In a second study, the team found that this same anticipation reduced stress hormones.
Dr. William Fry, psychiatrist and professor emeritus at Stanford University, has studied humor and laughter for years and has found that it helps maintain a healthy heart. One minute of laughter equals 10 minutes on the rowing machine, he says.
"There are promising signs of the value of laughter," said Heath Demaree, associate professor of psychology at Case Western Reserve University.
Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning-bug."
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish Furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present ..
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most
THEN WHY DO THEY CALL IT THAT?
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital,
Park on driveways,
and drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race,
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible.
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
But when I wind up this observation,
MISTAKES FROM ENGLISH LANGUAGE LEARNERS
This morning, I was walking outside,
when suddenly a big shower fell on me!
My mother wants me to marry a good, successful man,
but I want to marry my boyfriend.
Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!
My leg has been breaking for three weeks.
Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
You have what?
Dirty toes. In my back pack.
Um, can you spell that?
You know, dirty toes.
If I study really hard, I will graduate in 2010 years.
Please don't shoot so many people in my country.
Please don't shoot people in my country very often.
Could you say it really slowly?
Police don't shoot people in my country very often.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you press the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here;
I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother phoned to see how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
Artery, n. The study of paintings.
Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tried to do.
Bacteria, n. The back door of a cafeteria.
Barium, n. What doctors recommend when their patients die.
Benign, adj. What you be, after you be eight.
Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.
Cat scan, np. A search for kitty.
Cauterize, v. Made eye contact with her.
Colic, n. A breed of sheep dog.
Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
Dilate, v. To live a long life.
Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper: n. A clumsy ophthamologist.
Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
Medical Staff, np. A doctor's walking cane.
Morbid, adj. A higher offer.
Nitrates, npl. A price cheaper than day rates.
Node, v. Past tense of knew.
Outpatient, n. A person who has fainted.
Paradox: npl. Two physicians.
Pharmacist: n. A farm helper.
Post operative, n. A mailman or letter carrier.
Recovery room, np. Place to do upholstery.
Relief: v. What trees do in the Spring.
Tablet, n. A small table.
Tomorrow, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
WHAT GRADE DID YOU GET IN MATH?
If you took 3 apples from a basket that held 12 apples, how many apples would you have?
I just told you! You took 3 !!!
MEMORABLE OLD PHRASES
Do you know what the following phrases mean? (explanations follow)
1. A Bone to Pick
2. An Axe to Grind
3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel
4. At sea
5. Bad Egg
6. Barking at a knot
7. Barking up the wrong tree
8. Bee in your bonnet
9. Been through the mill
10. Between hay and grass
15. Feather in Your Cap
16. Hold your horses
18. I reckon
20. Kit and caboodle
21. Madder than an old wet hen
22. Needs taken down a notch or two
23. No Spring Chicken
26. Pretty is as pretty does
27. Red up
29. Scarce as hen's teeth
32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth
33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling
34. Sunday go to meetin' dress
35. We wash up real fine
36. Tie the Knot
37. Too many irons in the fire
38. Tuckered out
39. Under the weather
40. Wearing your 'best bib and tucker'
41. You ain't the only duck in the pond
42. A lick and a promise
1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)
2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a bad, hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)
3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)
4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)
5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
7. Barking up the wrong tree (thinking completely wrong idea, or issue, or the wrong person)
8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let go, stubborn about it, argues. )
9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
10. Between hay and grass (Not a child nor an adult)
11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour)
12. Calaboose (a jail)
13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
14. Dicker (To barter or trade)
15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)
17. Hoosegow ( a jail)
18. I reckon (I suppose)
19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)
20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
21. Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)
22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)
23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)
26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
27. Red up (clean the house)
28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
30.. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
31. Sparking (courting)
32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned, or primary source)
33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)
34. Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
35. We wash up real fine (look good when we dress up)
36. Tie the Knot (to get married)
37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)
38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)
40. Wearing your 'best bib and tucker' (Being all dressed up)
41. You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)
42. A lick and a promise (I'm in a hurry and busy so I am going to just give the floor a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.)
Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just A lick and a promise.
DOES PUNCTUATION MATTER?
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
DOES SPELLING MATTER?
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
CREATIVE FAMILY HISTORY
BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN
You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'
SIGNS IN OTHER COUNTRIES - LOST IN TRANSLATION
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am daily.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.
Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find that they are best in the long run.
Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion
In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.
FUNNY EXAM ANSWERS
These exam answers were compiled for a book:
"After scouring exam papers and speaking to teachers, humorist Richard Benson has collected the worst student howlers in a new book.
Taken from "F In Exams: The Best Test Paper Blunders" by Richard Benson (Summersdale Publishers, £5.99)
FUNNY BUT REAL HEADLINES
Funny and apparently real headlines from 2007 (Someone else has done the commentary).
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Well bugger me...]
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE OF THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3.. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
You only needs two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does – use the duct tape.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." ~ George Carlin
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden... After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...
"Lets see your fishin' license!!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." ~ Tim Allen
Salesman: This vaccum cleaner will cut your work in half.
Customer: Great! I'll take two.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."...
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
ONE OUT OF FOUR
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." ~ Rita Mae Brown
LET ME FIGURE THIS OUT
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead.
He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went.....'Change course 10 degrees South.'
The reply was quickly flashed back...'You change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'
Back came the reply....'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....'I am a 240,000 ton tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'
Back came the reply...'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when,
all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother
mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” says
the mother mouse to her baby. “Now can you understand
why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
DID THE STATISTICS CONVINCE YOU?
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
STILL CONVINCED BY STATS?
1. 100% of dogs are animals
2. 100% of cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
2 FUNNIEST JOKES IN THE WORLD
(according to finding by the British Association for the advancement of science.
FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other gets out his phone and calls the emergency services.
“My friend is dead! What can I do?” he gasps.
The operator says “ Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says.
“Ok, now what?”
SECOND FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent and went to sleep. Sometime during the night Holmes woke Watson and said.
“Look up and tell me what you see, Watson”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” said Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?” said Holmes.
“Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a tiny minority of those stars have planets, then it’s likely there are a few planets like the Earth out there. And if there are planets like the Earth are out there, then it means there might be life out there. And that means we are not alone in the universe, Holmes.”
Holmes replied. “Very interesting Watson, but what it means is that someone has stolen our tent.”
THROUGH THICK OR THIN
"You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"I think you're bad luck."
Ted: Al, I heard you died.
Al: Hardly! As you can see I'm very much alive.
Ted: Impossible! The man that told me is much more reliable than you are!
ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHERS DIALOGUE
Dimitri: If Atlas hold up the world, what hold up Atlas?
Tasso: Atalas stands on the back of a turtle.
Dimitri: Bus what does the turntle stand on?
Tasso: Another turtle.
Dimitri: And what does THAT turntle stand on?
Tasso: My dear Dimitri, it's turtles all the way down!
A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, "Surgery is the oldest technology in the world! It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endeavors!"
Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says, "Well, before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountains and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavors."
Not to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"
IS IT HOT IN HERE?
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
VISITING THE MOUNTAINS FOR THE FIRST TIME?
We are told these are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
“All the mile markers are missing this year.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
“Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”
EXCERPTS FROM SCIENCE EXAMS
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
THE FUN OF GETTING OLDER
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Avocado a cold!
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He wanted to go to high school.
RIGHT ON TARGET
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.
"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...
...and then I paint the target around it."
16 Mark Twain quotes to get you smiling
1."Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."
2. "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
3. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
4. "A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds."
5. "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
6. "But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
7. "Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
8. "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
9. "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
10. "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
11. "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."
12. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first."
13. "A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read."
14. "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great."
15. "A man who carries a cat by the tail is getting experience that will always be helpful. He isn't likely to grow dim or doubtful. Chances are, he isn't likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But if he wants to, I say let him!"
16. "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do... Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Mark Twain was one of America's true treasures. Not often is it that we can find a man who can touch us so deeply with the written word. Inspiration, reflection, humility, confidence, wisdom, and (of course) laughter -- Mark Twain quotes can give us all of this and more.
For more Mark Twain quotes, check out the popular Mark Twain quotes section of
a website that specializes in 'Top 10' lists of quotations in dozens of categories.
Animator vs Animation
a creative short film where the computer animated rebels against the animator
Chipper Happy Smores Song
Sing along about camping!
Shell with Shoes
life of a shell with shoes
Watch the comedy “Candid Camera” online
Your Grandparents Cartoons
Watch cartoons from when your parents or grandparents were young