(Awkward!) Online Date

Wow. Wow-o-wow.

I have had over 1,000 views to my new online dating profile in less than 48 hours. In LESS THAN 48 hrs! Having never tried online dating site, I had no clue what I was in for, and the numbers grew steadily as the week worn on. Out of all the responses, I gave my number to one single person.

Determined to step outside my comfort zone, I proceeded in true Kimmie fashion; I wrote back to the first email that made me laugh out loud. We bantered back and forth via email, and by the time he sent me a message composed solely of sounds farm animals make, I was sold. For me, I look at a relationship much like a teeter-totter. Do your positive assets outweigh your baggage? Coming from someone who has more baggage than all the Kardashians combined for a month long ski vacation, I'm pretty forgiving with the scale. As some women overlook things for a man with a lot of money, I overlook things for a man with a lot of funny.

I shared my emails with my coworker J.R., and he agreed that even if a love connection wasn't made, we'd surely have a great time. So when he asked me out for sushi, it sealed the deal. I do not eat any fish cooked or raw and I felt the irony would add to the experience.

I wasn't nervous until I was actually getting dressed for the date and realized my dryer had broken. Every shirt I tried on must have shrunk because they was making me look fat. (Note to self- find dryer repair man on Monday.) My sinking self-esteem morphed to utter frustration as the minutes ticked by, and I began to sweat from all the outfit changes. Finally, I threw on a belted sweater, dusted off my heels and took off. Yep, dusted. It had been that long.

Even though I was late I arrived before my date so I made good use of my time reviewing my latest dogs pictures deciding which should be my new screen saver. Before I could choose, my date arrived. In a flannel shirt. Not like hot, J-Crew-I'm-still-glistening-from-all-the-wood-I-chopped-here-are-my-sexy-abs-flannel; like 80's flannel. Not even just bad 80's flannel, like my-worn-out-pajamas-from-when-I-was-nine-are-in-better-condition, flannel. This is what I changed eight times for?!

Ok, stop judging, I reminded myself. You had great conversation, he's funny.... But in person, he wasn't funny! Gone was his wit and out came corny. You have got to be kidding me! Talk about a switch-a-roo. He did NOT look like his pictures and he was NOT funny! My mind raced. How was I going to graciously tell him good night, thank you for dinner and I will never speak to you again? And we hadn't even eaten yet.

As the conversation dragged, and my cheeks began to hurt from my plastered smile, I finally experienced some divine intervention.

"Are you religious?" I asked him.

"I'm a Quaker," he replied, "Do you know what that is?"

I breathed relief, there it was, I had my 'out'. "Not sure, why don't you tell me?" I said.

As he went on and on about their pacifist nature, I gleefully praised my cleverness. When he finally paused, I looked him square in the eye and asked,"Do you believe in God and Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?" He about choked and though my expression was serious, inside I was laughing my ass off because I knew I was home free. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw the inside of a church, but I was desperate. So I spent the rest of the evening emphasizing how important church is to me. At the time it seemed like the nicest, all-about-me-not-about-you way, to show we were  a worse mismatch than his T-shirt and flannel were with the trendy sushi restaurant we were dining at.

I thanked him for dinner and told him I would text knowing damn well I would not. He didn't have my number and I was going to keep it that way. I sped home to uncrate my doggies feeling guilty I had left them for such a wretched date. Rubbing Murry's belly, I began to wonder if online dating is for me. Before throwing in the towel, I vow to try a different site and raise my standards. One thing I learned, if a man sends you an email of farm animal sounds, don't be surprised when he shows up dressed in flannel.